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whycome?

What makes one prayer successful and one prayer unsuccessful. When two different people beseech God for the same thing why does he only answer one of them? I'm not complaining or anything...I just really don't understand.

.

if i could write something i would.
these days i have nothing to say.
or rather nothing worth saying.
everything is a confusing bore.

experiments

We talk like children, he and I. Like we are 10 years old messing around in a playground. I can't say I would have it any other way, but still its mildly humorous to say the least. Maybe this is how all first relationships are, at least when its both person's first. I have no idea.

meh

It really can take all the fun out of a relationship when you know its built to fail. When seriously long term there is no chance. I sort of promised myself that id never be in a convenience based relationship... oops.

I think i will talk to Ryan about it. Im talking to Ian about it now and thats sort of helping.

It will kill Tim if i break it off again... I dont even know if he'd forgive me. But seriously again CONVENIENCE is a no no right? Bad news bears. Taboo. Won't it be worse though to tough it out until we self destruct? I will regret it though, odds are, if i do walk away now. I might hate myself for it.

This is stupid, why isnt there an easy button for this?

I feel sick. Redline + stress = not so happy

Chasing Cars

I literally couldn't sleep last night. My username becomes me.

I know when i have truly made a mistake when i can't tell Brittany about whatever it is that i have done. Because she will not believe i went there. Because she will not understand. Because she will think less of me. I want to tell her because she is my best friend long term, even if i only see her once a month. I owe it to her to tell her, because she would tell me these kinds of things. Because girls are supposed to tell their best friend everything, not keep secrets. Because it was so public that everyone at school will know in three days...so she should have the right to know to. But i don't know the words to tell her. The phrases stick in my throat.

I knew i was asking for trouble, i was fully aware. So should i be surprised i got it? Should i be surprised i could be kicked out of leadership? Should i be surprised he tried something? No not at all. I have no right to say i didn't ask for this. Honsetly I am talking as if i didn't encourage him. I did. This is as much my fault as it ever could be his.

None of this should be wrong. Were i at public school it would be normal. Were i not aware of what God wants for my life i would be happy about this. Were i not aware that this is going to makes things difficult in the long run i would have no regrets. It shouldnt be a big deal...but it is, it is a big deal. It's a huge deal because my teachers saw, and if i am asked if we are dating i have to say "no". I have to face my classmates knowing that my reputation is a little bit less than what it was last week. I have to look him in the eye and see that we are far from over...and i don't know what to do about that.

I can't think when he is close to me. I have no conscience, i have to sense of self, i don't have the power to hurt both of us for the sake of it being the right thing to do. All of last night i thought about Lancelot and Guinevere. Because i feel like i am having an affair even though im not sure who i am cheating on. Because that affair brought down a kingdom. Because we are going to bring eachother down and destroy God knows what else in the process.

Intonation

Voices are strange things.

I started today out very care free. Then because boys will be boys... and they do things like jump out of trees, Tim hurt his knee. And i knew he wanted me to talk, to distract him, to make it feel better. Its a strange feeling to know my voice does anything helpful. But i knew it, i knew i just needed to speak. It was on parr with humming to a child. Not that i think of him as a child at all, but the idea is the same. When a toddler stumbles you coo and humm and speak low and soft...this was like that except i had to be humorous and sympathetic in an ego boosting type way. Boys will be boys...

Then at work, Amanda called me. I drive her to school everyday and she used to be on my cheer team. She was frantic and upset and said that she needed to be dropped off with me. I learned the whole story later. Poor kid, life is too hard at 15 it seems. Not that i'm much older but 2 years is something. We ended up talking and dealing with all of the unnecessary stress in that girls life, and i prayed with her. I haven't ever prayed for anyone like that before, with her crying, and later thanking me like i had done some huge favor when all i did was give her a ride, buy her coffee, and then pray for like a minute. I used words Jenn prayed over me last year when i was in a similar place, i hope they helped. My voice sounds so small and unsure when i pray.

Tonight i had to set up the gym for the chapel service, or more accurately be there while the boys carry equipment for moral support and required annoyance. I wanted nothing more than to see Logan. Last time at gym set up we sat on top of the bleachers and talked. I barely know him but his voice is my favorite. I don't need to know him well, and he doesn't need to understand me. I just wanted him to talk so i could hear his voice, deep and even. His voice is so calming its ridiculous, when he sings at Prayer Room services i am in awe. I know that pretty soon i wont ever see him again, he isn't a close friend i will keep in touch with, but i won't ever forget his voice. I want to marry someone with a voice like that.

Tim's voice used to be comforting, it isn't anymore. Now i just worry and comfort him.

My voice doesn't feel strong enough to comfort Amanda as much as i want to.

Logan did talk to me, but we were interrupted.

I want to hear God's audible voice one day. I want to know what the perfect voice sounds like. How it sings, how it laughs. I am sure that sound is perfect.

rock in a hard place

I have another doctors appointment tomorrow at 2pm.

Usually I am still chilling with my friends at that point in time. One of the benefits of our school day as seniors ending at 12:30 pm. "Lunch Club" as our time together is called usually lasts from then until i have to go to work a little after 3 pm.

If asked where I am going should i tell them? Should i say "the doctors" only to have half of them say "again...why again?" I am not sure i can explain myself. I don't want them to look at me like i am broken, like i am suddenly strange.

Then there are specific reactions i can predict that might be potentially problematic. Tim will worry, and i already cause him enough heart ache. Kim could think i am playing up my own health problems because she gets attention for hers...even thought i would NEVER do that. Julian wont ever forget it, and so neither will anyone else because he will keep bringing it up.

I want to tell them because they are my friends, closer to me in many respects than my family. I want them to understand why i do things and when. I hate having to lie. However i hate that look people get when the know i am sick. I hate being treated like i am going to break.

I should be used to this conundrum by now. I have had enough health problems in the past that i should be able to deal with this.

say what?

I always want to write, and usually i have a lot to say. Not tonight. Tonight i can't choose the correct words. Tonight i don't know what to type to get the thoughts out of my head, if only for a few blissful moments, and onto the screen in front of me. This most likely stems from the fact that i don't even know what i want anymore, so how could i relate what i'm thinking if i dont even know myself?

I do know i want to feel better. That i despise being ill in any sense. And that i want to know whats wrong even if it frightens me....cause ignorance is bliss when it comes to health if you ask me.

I do know that when i feel alone there is one person i look for. But he is the person i am supposedly walking away from. He is the one i am not supposed to care about. And i don't want him around a lot of the time...yet i miss him when he stays silent in the background of my day.

But i dont know how to write. I can't rhyme it. I can't make a story. My paper journal is untouched. This sort of writers block, a wealth of material but no outlet, makes me tired.

clean slate

why did i REALLY create a live journal? besides my addiction to online writing of any sort here is the run down on my motivations:

i am distracting myself from unresolvable issues at hand.
such is life.

odds are i will write a lot, i have a penchant for that.

>lyrics to the song that prompted my username<

Four thirty A.M, I'm awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

You're leaving me scars scattered in my heart
A road map of all the places you have been
And I can't escape, can't wash this away
Love has burned your mark so deep within

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

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